thoughts

Mental disengagement. This is one of the constructs I’m studying in my research. It seems almost like some noble talent for one to take a closer step towards Nevada, yet there is a connotation of giving up as defined by the literature. When I am in the mood to dissect every philosophical notion known to men, my head swells with too much thought and it makes me go crazy.

What constitutes the self-image? Which self of Johari’s window best depicts me? What self is the self perceived by my peers? Which self would they prefer? Which is the ideal? Which is the self that I should select to mask my agony?

Sometimes I just want to sit alone and find peace; stripped from the paradoxical attributes of ecstasy knowing that it is only a holy grill that one must suffer to find. In the sporadic moments of joy is when I find myself stripped from the concerns of these notions. It is a moment where one doesn’t second guess another and over analyse and accept gratitude in its purest form. Yet, I will find myself slipping into a paranoia state where conspiracy theories surface like slow shadowy vapour on hot bitumen. Why has trust from my peers escaped me? How do I earn it back? What does this trust really constitute? Why must I suffer in a portrait which was painted by my own palette?

The thoughts that envelope my mental state can sometimes be dangerous things.