Wednesday evenings are strange. While routine determines what I do for the other evenings of the week; Mon: badminton, Tue: Movie or Kung Fu, Thur: Kung Fu, Fri: dinner with friends, Sat: swim, Sun: bible says relak…… Wednesdays I’m stuck somewhere between reluctance to do something and having an eventfully forgettable evening.
After spending four hours in tutorials and marking, I’m drained from the energy that is necessary to kick-start the motivational voice which will talk to me in a less than subtle fashion, “hey you need to get out tonight”.
The options I have require careful thought, in order to optimise the most viable plan to prevent an otherwise wasted evening. Will it be swim, or tango, or poker at the pub? Three options are two too many. More juice of energy is required to push myself toward selecting one. I sit here lamenting that I have too many choices to make, yet I have spare energy to type out this entry in a verbose manner, requiring no less energy than the amount required to make the choice in the first place. I pity whoever that is reading this. But thank you if you have come thus far. I can’t even begin to fathom what it is like to read pleonastic claptrap from a tired blogger suffering from verbal diarrhoea.
It is 6:30pm, Tango classes are at 7pm, poker at 8, the swim centre closes at 8:45. Which will it be? Indecisiveness requires persuasion from external sources. This phenomenon is best represented by the Singaporean self-convincing notion of “If you go then I go loh.”
I need to make phone calls to get a better picture of who will be at the Tango class, and who will be at the Poker tables tonight. It is amazing how a bit of organisation can provide clarity in decision making. But alas, his phone is turned off, and there has yet to be reply from her. My friends have abandoned me. How could anyone leave me marooned within my labyrinth of alternatives? Think I’m going paranoid here, but it is okey. I study psychology, I can fix myself……..
There, I’ve fixed myself over a nice dosage of logic and two glasses of Scotch whiskey I promise myself before the evening ends.
Now what? Wait, my phone rings……….
….. tango class it is.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Boom!..... there goes another one
I sit here in the living room, just about to watch City of God on DVD. Suddenly there was this news flash….. yet another bombing incident in London. The authorities scramble like cockroaches when the light comes on, partially to show BBC-watchers that they are earning their money, although one can’t help but be skeptical that they are clueless as to what was going on.
We have moved from the era of World War, Cold War, Civil War and now War against Terrorism. Unlike the previous three, war against terrorism is a declaration of confrontation against an ambiguous entity. The ‘enemy’ wears the face of common citizens, their beliefs skewed and their motivation incomprehensible. It feels like a futile cause, despite world leaders reciting rally speeches before decorated podiums. Terrorism feels hardly like a war, but instead the expression of oppressed voices based on fundamentalist notions.
I'm feeling numb towards all of these. As images of blown up bodies, falling skyscrapers and demolished train stations monopolise the evening news, it becomes increasingly easy to distant myself in denial of the world around me. Concern becomes too daunting.
Perhaps, just perhaps for this week, I’ll shut my senses from this reality. And dwell in a happier realm, where characters get murdered by dark wizards in children’s book.
We have moved from the era of World War, Cold War, Civil War and now War against Terrorism. Unlike the previous three, war against terrorism is a declaration of confrontation against an ambiguous entity. The ‘enemy’ wears the face of common citizens, their beliefs skewed and their motivation incomprehensible. It feels like a futile cause, despite world leaders reciting rally speeches before decorated podiums. Terrorism feels hardly like a war, but instead the expression of oppressed voices based on fundamentalist notions.
I'm feeling numb towards all of these. As images of blown up bodies, falling skyscrapers and demolished train stations monopolise the evening news, it becomes increasingly easy to distant myself in denial of the world around me. Concern becomes too daunting.
Perhaps, just perhaps for this week, I’ll shut my senses from this reality. And dwell in a happier realm, where characters get murdered by dark wizards in children’s book.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Faith
It is the start of the semester and typically this is the time where I will be energetic, lively and can’t wait to walk into my first tutorial. Strangely, I’m feeling lethargic somewhat drained and nonchalant. I think it is due to recent events that I’m not as excited about this semester as I would like.
A few students from last semester informed me that they have failed the subject, some for the second time. I can’t help but take news like this personally, and I wonder if my teaching methods could have been better to raise the statistics. I’m proud of the ones who attained a top grade, although I don’t know who they are, as they have probably moved onto the new semester without the need to say hi when we meet in campus. Thoughts like this slowly extinguish the once idealistic flame I had about making a difference, and believing that I could make any student get a high distinction. Sometimes reality bites and coping with it needs a strong clinging to the faith I have in myself.
Faith is a paradoxical notion. It basically means believing in a conception that can not be proven true through any means that may convince. In other words, it is a constant struggle to believe. Faith in a religion, faith in myself, faith in my friends; these notions mark the journey of a lifetime struggle to grip onto the fabrics that make life meaningful. The constant chaos intrinsic to faith renders one to wake in the morning to feel wonderful when he looks himself in the mirror or feel that he is a man not worth loving the following day. The fibres of faith are so delicate that the smallest deviation of a well-planned endeavour can discourse and undermine the motivation for future pursuits.
I have friends with me that reinforce my self-belief. I have awards and trophies to remind me of my ability. I have a future that suggests to me that roses lie ahead. Yet without faith, I am but a hollow vessel aimless in the turbulent winds.
A few students from last semester informed me that they have failed the subject, some for the second time. I can’t help but take news like this personally, and I wonder if my teaching methods could have been better to raise the statistics. I’m proud of the ones who attained a top grade, although I don’t know who they are, as they have probably moved onto the new semester without the need to say hi when we meet in campus. Thoughts like this slowly extinguish the once idealistic flame I had about making a difference, and believing that I could make any student get a high distinction. Sometimes reality bites and coping with it needs a strong clinging to the faith I have in myself.
Faith is a paradoxical notion. It basically means believing in a conception that can not be proven true through any means that may convince. In other words, it is a constant struggle to believe. Faith in a religion, faith in myself, faith in my friends; these notions mark the journey of a lifetime struggle to grip onto the fabrics that make life meaningful. The constant chaos intrinsic to faith renders one to wake in the morning to feel wonderful when he looks himself in the mirror or feel that he is a man not worth loving the following day. The fibres of faith are so delicate that the smallest deviation of a well-planned endeavour can discourse and undermine the motivation for future pursuits.
I have friends with me that reinforce my self-belief. I have awards and trophies to remind me of my ability. I have a future that suggests to me that roses lie ahead. Yet without faith, I am but a hollow vessel aimless in the turbulent winds.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Retail Therapy
Retail therapy. Less than one week in Melbourne, three weeks before I start work and already I’m spending money. It is one of those Sundays where I would appreciate some company on this beautiful day, but I had to end up having a date with myself. Well, it really isn’t as sad as it sounds, because it can never be a bad thing to spend money on myself, instead on someone else who thinks of you as a forgotten memory right after the dinner bill.
I walked around St. Kilda and came across this hair saloon that is called ‘Split Ends’. I thought it was the dumbest name one can come up with. The way I figure it, it is like saying ‘don’t say we didn’t warn you.’ I’m keen to know how long this saloon has been around. Names like this may work after all.
I bought myself a dark brown suede jacket. I don’t really know why I did that, probably because I never had anything suede. But this jacket from CM is a strange one, it has a cotton hood attached to it. The hood can be removed, but the point is, why have a hood on a jacket? I raised this issue to the sale assistant and she assured me that it is the latest fashion. Who decides this fashion anyway? She showed me their catalogue with a male model with a suave look wearing the same jacket I bought and proudly displaying the cotton hood sticking out at the back like a printing error. I gave this look of distrust and needed much assurance that I wouldn’t look like a twit if I should choose to leave the hood on. The jacket is now hanging in my cupboard. I’ll wait for the occasion to wear it, and I’ll leave the hood on to see my friend’s reaction. Perhaps I should keep the brochure in my pocket just in case I need to defend myself that ‘it is the latest fashion’.
I walked around St. Kilda and came across this hair saloon that is called ‘Split Ends’. I thought it was the dumbest name one can come up with. The way I figure it, it is like saying ‘don’t say we didn’t warn you.’ I’m keen to know how long this saloon has been around. Names like this may work after all.
I bought myself a dark brown suede jacket. I don’t really know why I did that, probably because I never had anything suede. But this jacket from CM is a strange one, it has a cotton hood attached to it. The hood can be removed, but the point is, why have a hood on a jacket? I raised this issue to the sale assistant and she assured me that it is the latest fashion. Who decides this fashion anyway? She showed me their catalogue with a male model with a suave look wearing the same jacket I bought and proudly displaying the cotton hood sticking out at the back like a printing error. I gave this look of distrust and needed much assurance that I wouldn’t look like a twit if I should choose to leave the hood on. The jacket is now hanging in my cupboard. I’ll wait for the occasion to wear it, and I’ll leave the hood on to see my friend’s reaction. Perhaps I should keep the brochure in my pocket just in case I need to defend myself that ‘it is the latest fashion’.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
a matter of principle
Guy friends. Brothers. Companions. Buddies. In which ever way you want to call it, they mean the world to me, well, second only to family. Female friends come and go, but your true blue buddies will be there even if the world collapses on you. There is one notion that is clear to me since a very young age; that there are only two things that can break the bond with your brothers; money and women.
The first has, thankfully yet to become an issue, so I have always been cautious about the latter. Perhaps it is an Asian brought up, or maybe influence by Hong Kong movies, but there are certain principles that I adhere to, with my buddies’ love interest, basically I just don’t go there. Certain things have happened recently that I feel disappointed in. Can I bring myself to be gracious enough to overlook my petty instincts? Can I be as forgiving as I’m staunch in my principles? Conflicts that arise out of introspection sucks.
The first has, thankfully yet to become an issue, so I have always been cautious about the latter. Perhaps it is an Asian brought up, or maybe influence by Hong Kong movies, but there are certain principles that I adhere to, with my buddies’ love interest, basically I just don’t go there. Certain things have happened recently that I feel disappointed in. Can I bring myself to be gracious enough to overlook my petty instincts? Can I be as forgiving as I’m staunch in my principles? Conflicts that arise out of introspection sucks.
feelin blessed
My goodness, when was the last entry in this blog? It only goes to show that life has been good, that I’ve been nice and busy with better things in my life that I’m happy enough to leave this blog space to the dogs.
4 weeks being on holiday that I returned to my office forgetting what it was like to work. It took me a while to figure out how to turn the computer on, and probably another week before I relearn how to type. There really isn’t much to do at the moment, since I’ve gotta wait for my supervisors to read through my research design before I can move onto the next stage. That basically leaves me with a lot of time to swim, clean the house, do my groceries, and cook. I really can’t complain too much about life can I? Life is good. Sometimes I do get worried that how I’m going to take the next step once my tenure with my academic life is over. At the end of the day, shouldn’t worry too much about tomorrow but cherish what I have today.
And what I have today is a wonderful life, being blessed by so many people whom I can call friends. The boys back home gave me a delightful farewell present, although unwittingly, since I made a killing with poker at their expense, but I would like to think it as their gesture to say Godspeed. 7 hours later, I arrived in Melbourne to be surprised by a welcome party. What can I say? Actually I couldn’t utter a word, because I just felt really loved and undeserving. Perhaps maybe, just maybe, despite knowing that I’m not the perfect character that will be on everyone’s chirstmas list, maybe I have done something right to be blessed with so many wonderful people around me.
4 weeks being on holiday that I returned to my office forgetting what it was like to work. It took me a while to figure out how to turn the computer on, and probably another week before I relearn how to type. There really isn’t much to do at the moment, since I’ve gotta wait for my supervisors to read through my research design before I can move onto the next stage. That basically leaves me with a lot of time to swim, clean the house, do my groceries, and cook. I really can’t complain too much about life can I? Life is good. Sometimes I do get worried that how I’m going to take the next step once my tenure with my academic life is over. At the end of the day, shouldn’t worry too much about tomorrow but cherish what I have today.
And what I have today is a wonderful life, being blessed by so many people whom I can call friends. The boys back home gave me a delightful farewell present, although unwittingly, since I made a killing with poker at their expense, but I would like to think it as their gesture to say Godspeed. 7 hours later, I arrived in Melbourne to be surprised by a welcome party. What can I say? Actually I couldn’t utter a word, because I just felt really loved and undeserving. Perhaps maybe, just maybe, despite knowing that I’m not the perfect character that will be on everyone’s chirstmas list, maybe I have done something right to be blessed with so many wonderful people around me.
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